Life is kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, but a puzzle in which many of the pieces may be interchangeable. With interlocking and overlapping pieces we navigate through life in the best way that we can, learning and growing and finding the smoothest path for ourselves.
When we hit a bump in the road we often revert to learned behaviours and beliefs, however when we are mindful and present we can use newly learned models to pass over those obstacles with less chaos and drama than maybe previously.
I have been investigating some more about attachment theory and I have learned that my own attachment style was/is secure; although I do have a tendency to flip back into avoidance which was a learned behaviour during my emotionally abusive marriage. This is a fascinating subject and I encourage you to investigate some more yourself. You may have a lightbulb moment into why you seemingly instinctively react as you do in certain situations because much of this is rooted in our early childhood.
I am now at a stage in my life where I feel more settled than I have done for many years; yet something seemingly simple such as someone that I care for deeply taking a step away from me, has caused me a set back.
But I have the tools.
As the Buddhists tell us, we need to drop our attachment (this is not the same as attachment theory), we need to practice acceptance and we need to be present.
Even the best practitioners of Mindfulness and the incredibly perceptive Dalai Lama acknowledge that they feel pain, sadness, fear and anger but the trick in managing these things well is to recognise them, accept them and to allow oneself to sit with them; and then when you are able to do so, to move forwards with intention.
I know this stuff; after all, I built a successful coaching business on it and I run workshops in it, but I am human and I am not perfect. And it is always harder when you are in the storm yourself. At times I have to remind myself how I best function.
Rumi said, ¨When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety. If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this, I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me….¨
My strategy.
When I hit my own latest bump in the road, I found myself feeling a mixture of sadness, anger and inner pain. These emotions were instinctive at first – they just were there as things unrolled, but then I indulged myself and I allowed myself to feel those feelings knowingly. I then made a conscious choice to move forwards but I knew that this would have to be a process if I was to deal with things well. I thoughtfully meditated and I identified the problem for what it was and I recognised how and why it was affecting me. I named it, I sat with it for several weeks and then I accepted it, but that wasn’t the end. I needed to move forwards so following my personal coping strategy and tuning in to my happy place I made some very subtle changes to my life and to my attitude.
One of the things that I really hated when I was travelling was saying goodbye to people that I had felt a connection with and there was always a sadness of being left behind and a feeling of being stagnant and stuck. However when I was the one to move on first any sadness at leaving was outweighed by the sheer excitement of picking up my backpack and heading off into the unknown.
So I connected with people. When I went to the swimming pool or to the park I made a bigger effort to chat to neighbours and villagers. The effort came not from the chatting because that usually comes easily to me, but from having to communicate almost solely in Spanish. I was subsequently invited to join several new (to me) acquaintances in different ventures and social events.
I took myself off on my motorbike to explore new routes and I began to explore the biggest local town on foot, ticking off some new cafes and coffee shops one by one. I wrote a letter (as yet unposted) and I daily remind myself of the truth in the whole matter. I am not perfect and I make many mistakes but in this particular instance I was lumped into somebody else´s drama and made to suffer.
There is a difference between mindfully accepting something and building internal barriers and blocking something out so this doesn´t mean that the sadness won´t still get in but it means that it can be more easily managed.
My personal happy place
Travel brings me joy but travel for me is much more than simply visiting new places and seeing new things. It is the process of travel that I love; the engagement with strangers, the immersion into different cultures and the wonder and curiosity of experiencing life with a fresh eye, with a ´beginner´s mind`.
Despite the uncertainty and busyness of travel, this is where I find my peace. Whether it is waiting in airports, hiking in national parks or exploring a chaotic city I feel that I am right where I need to be. It is as if it is what I was born to do and it is when I feel authentic and when we are living authentically that is how we best connect with ourselves and we can put things into perspective.
The strategy that I put into place reflects that travel, hence exploring and connecting.
Exploring a village in Catalunya
The takeaway lesson is that I should remember to live life on my terms, doing what I want and without attaching so much attachment to people and situations. I should operate following a secure attachment model which ensures that my heart and my mind remains open and I am at peace within myself. This might sound like a contradiction but it means that it is by letting go of expectations and attachment that we can live in peace. This is not the same as avoidance which sets us up for disappointment, fear and upset.
I must practice managing my expectations and I must remember that not everyone is ready to face the truth of their situation. I should also remember to live my life with a traveller´s mindset because that is truly when I am happy and at peace.
I am content here in this life that I have, which is why when something that seemed unshakeable became shaken I began to question everything – my life, my values and myself – but I recognised the problem, I named it, I accepted it…….and now I am stepping forwards.
Of course I still feel sad, hurt and angry and it is good to feel those things but I feel them in a controlled way that leaves less room for bitterness, resentment or self pity.
Sometimes we don´t deserve the way that we are treated but the only thing that we have some semblance of control over is our internal state.
If you would like to read about some of the major events along my life journey then a good place to begin is my solo pilgrimage when I walked the Camino de Santiago, my ten days in the Malaysian jungle on a silent meditation retreat or go right back to the beginning of my travel adventures with my article which came from a very wet and humid India
You can support me at BuyMeACoffee or follow me on Facebook, Instagram or over on my website and reach out if you have experienced anything similar.
